What Just Happened Anyway?

When the therapist asked me to stay a few minutes after the last session I knew they weren’t going to let that one question I answered with ‘almost always’ go unnoticed.  That question being ‘I have thoughts of ending my life’.

When I do this questionnaire there are many extreme responses due to my agoraphobia and panic so it pushes my score above the norm anyway.  It’s a pain sometimes not being part of the so-called ‘norm’ which the responses on this form are compared to.  Who decides what’s normal anyway?

I sat down with the two therapists and to their credit they didn’t bring up the suicide thing again.  They asked me how things were, what was going on for me.  I told them how the group subject matter opened up a lot of relationship stuff and I didn’t really know how to process it all.  I told them how I was with the session on conflict and how it kind of threw me back into the fear like it was yesterday.  I said I often experience this even if it’s just a simple argument between two people.  We talked about my past and how this was normal considering the violence that I continually experienced.  Among another things they asked me when this happens could I know that I’m safe now even when my body says it’s unsafe. I said no I can’t because it feels like it happens instantly and then all rational thought seems to disappear.  We talked about this sort of thing for a while.

Then the unexpected happened. The therapist in charge of the group said it wouldn’t be right for my unprocessed stuff to be triggered and to leave me in the midst of it.  She asked me about my former t and I ended up telling her some of what happened and that I wouldn’t go back to her.  Not because I didn’t like her but because I was still hurt and I didn’t think the trust would be there anymore.

I know this agency has a rule about therapists recruiting clients for themselves so to speak.   So now it’s left up to me to ask the right questions.  With a bit of ‘hint’ direction on their part I started asking questions. The t said I could make a phone call to the agency and ask to see a therapist.  First I mentioned that I didn’t think I could go back to this agency knowing that the counsellors only do short-term type of therapy now.  The t looked at me strangely and said that is left to the discretion of the therapist even though the agency leans towards this.  She said once again I could call the agency and ask.  I finally clued in and so I asked if she would take me as a client.  She said she would be willing to work with me.  She said I would have to call the intake worker and tell her I would like to see a counsellor and who I would like to see.  The therapist said she would talk to the intake worker and let her know I would be calling.

The few minutes that the therapist wanted to see me after the session ended up to be an hour.

This all  happened unexpectedly and it took me off guard.  I was still unsure of what to do about therapy.  And now this falls into my lap.  I gave myself a day to think about it and I decided to phone the intake worker.  I was so nervous I’m sure I was barely coherent.  I have a hard time pronouncing the therapist’s name and I’m pretty sure I botched it when I requested her as the counsellor I wanted to see.  The intake worker returned my call and now I’m waiting to hear back from the counsellor.  She did say to me in our first conversation that it wouldn’t be until January that we could meet.  That’s OK because I need time to get used to the idea of therapy again. If it happens that is.

The same day I heard back from the intake worker I was organizing some papers and happened to see the referral list of therapists my former t gave me.  To my surprise the counsellor who I’m requesting is on that list.

Now I have to remember to write out the questions I need to ask her before I risk doing this again.

This entry was posted in Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Attachment, Change, Fear, Hurt, Panic, Panic Disorder, Relationships, Terror, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to What Just Happened Anyway?

  1. Ellen says:

    It makes sense to me that you could feel worse after group sessions, as they can stir things up in a big way. Nice that the therapist was concerned about you. Wishing you luck with embarking once again into therapy. Hope you remember to ask about the length of the process – who gets to decide when it’s over, if there are external constraints or limits. Not that you’d forget after your last experience though. take care

    • lostinamaze says:

      For some weird reason I tend to forget the important things, like the how long question, when it really counts. So reminders are always appreciated. I found with group therapy that although I seem to learn about myself there isn’t enough time to process anything with all that’s going on with the rest of the group members. I need some luck!

  2. JBR says:

    I do not like when things happen unexpectedly. Feeling that I am not in control. That being said, I am glad your t. cared. I know and I would too, struggle with the time limit on healing….. I pray that this time, it will be indefinitely. Safe hugs.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I was more caught off guard by the caring then anything else I think. I was fairly confident with it being the last session we would all walk away from each other. I will need to ask about the time…

  3. This seems like good stuff, hard, but good. And remember you can decide not to move forward with this as well. Sometimes, especially when I’m caught off guard I may make a decision that I come to regret later on. If you find that’s the case for you, you can always change your mind….it’s a woman’s perogative!

    • lostinamaze says:

      That’s a good reminder for me. An initial interview with the therapist doesn’t mean I’m locked into it. This sometimes can be a problem with me. I hope I can recognize if it won’t be a good fit for me.

  4. Oh how exciting, I feel like this could be great for you – someone who is willing to stick with you as long as it takes might be just the thing.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I also know this therapist has a private practice as well. I think I will also explore that with her as an alternative. Unfortunately I’m feeling not very trustful about it all. But at the same time just a wee bit hopeful…

  5. I’m bubbling with anxious excitement for you! Who knew one thing would lead to another? I hope this works out for you Lost. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. ❤

    • lostinamaze says:

      I hope it works out too. It’s kind of weird how it all came about. I guess being honest worked out for me this time. I’m just glad they didn’t freak out. 🙂

  6. Harriet says:

    It’s interesting how things work out sometimes, especially when we least expect something. I know you must be feeling anxious, and yet maybe hopeful as well?

    • lostinamaze says:

      For sure. I’m feeling anxious, a little bit hopeful and a whole lot of scared! I don’t want to get my hopes up too high until the therapist and I have had a meeting to figure stuff out. I’m not really sure what to expect.

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