Anxious Thoughts

I’ve been thinking or more honestly trying not to think what it will be like to re-enter therapy.  (if it happens that is) It makes me nervous, real nervous to let my thoughts wander that way.  I’ve been wondering what I would talk about.  I know I have plenty to talk about but when I start ‘thinking’ about what I would say I draw a blank.  I wonder if I can trust enough once again to talk about anything that is deeper than ‘that’s some kind of weather eh?’.

When I think about therapy I look inside to see how it feels and frankly I don’t feel anything more than this nervousness.  It feels blank or maybe a better word is ‘shut down’.  Funny, that’s a word I learned through therapy.

I was extremely anxious when I started therapy because I didn’t know what to expect. And that was anxiety on top of the extreme anxiety my mentalness was already causing me.  I was practically puking before every session. I was very naive about it all.  It took a while to learn the ‘therapy language’.   I didn’t know there was such a thing as a ‘inner child’. Although I’m still a bit dubious about that…

The only thing I related the word ‘trauma’ to was car accidents.  I never knew that’s what they call what happened to me.  Although I still have a hard time believing that as well.  If I start therapy again I wonder if I can talk about the trauma once again, if I need to start from the beginning once again.  Is it even necessary to start at the beginning again?

I didn’t have a clue about attachment.

Just the thought of attachment makes me anxious.  I find myself thinking of ways I can avoid it.  I’ve read that the therapeutic relationship can be helpful in the healing process. I also know it can have awful consequences.  I find myself wondering if I can have a healing relationship while holding the therapist at arm’s length.  I find myself wondering if it’s possible avoid attachment in the therapy setting considering I don’t really know how to handle relationships anyhow because of my interesting childhood.

I have many questions and no answers.  The only sure thing I know is the anxiousness I feel at the thought of therapy and all that goes with it.  Especially attachment.

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This entry was posted in Abandonment, Anxiety, Attachment, Fear, Hurt, Panic Disorder, Relationships, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Anxious Thoughts

  1. Lothlorien says:

    I can understand your anxious feelings towards resuming therapy. I think it is expected at this point. However, a really good therapist will take time to establish a relationship with you before digging into to stuff and will respect your need to take it slow. Intially, he/she will do an intake as you know, and the subject of trauma history will come up, but a simple statement of yes, there is a trauma history will likely suffice in the beginning. As for your question do you need to start telling about your trauma from the beginning….. Not exactly. If you have done some work with the trauma in the past, it is not necessary to rehash what you feel is resolved. Often you can recap for the new therapist the work you have done in the past. I think most T’s will be interested more in what kind of work you have done on it in the past and how you felt that worked for you. Entering therapy is always at least a little bit scary, and therapists are aware of this. Take your time, get to know the T, and test the water with small things until you feel comfortable going further. Also, it is ok to answer a question with, “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.”

    Lothlorien

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you fro reminding me that I do have control over the process. That I can take my time and I only need to say what I’m comfortable with. I tend to lose sight of these things when my anxiety starts to run rampant when I think of therapy. And I didn’t really think of it, I don’t have to redo what has been already resolved. I feel better about that.

  2. Ellen says:

    Can you have a healing relationship while holding the therapist at arm’s length? lol I wish. The same for romantic relationships – can you have love while keeping the person at arm’s length?

    I’ve gone to quite a few therapists at this point, though I haven’t stayed long with most. I never felt attached. That was fine, because then I couldn’t be hurt. But the healing relationship requires attachment with all the pain that involves. I sometimes really want to get ‘unattached’, seriously, when things go wrong.

    I don’t think you’ll necessarily become attached to a random therapist. But if you’re going to really heal, you need to find someone that is trustworthy and safe enough for you to be attached to. IMO.

    I can totally relate to the anxiety of starting therapy and before a session. I’m the same way.

    • lostinamaze says:

      There certainly is pain involved with attachment! And it really scares me. You’re probably right, I think I will know fairly quickly if I will be able to have some sort of relationship with a potential therapist.

  3. JBR says:

    I know it is hard for me not to think ahead. Fear, anxiety creeping in. Here listening to you dear one……

    • lostinamaze says:

      I know, take it one step at a time. I need to remind myself not to live in a future that may or may not happen.

  4. Amanda says:

    Let me say, from experience … it is possible to retell your story (all parts of it). It is not easy mind you, but it is possible. And like the above comment says, you don’t have to tell it all or even right away – you start where you’re comfortable. As for the attachment, that’s difficult and I understand what you’ve written. It needs to exist at some level prior to opening up entirely, or else you won’t open up. That will take work too, but we are all capable of that work. YOU are capable of that.

    • lostinamaze says:

      What you say is true. I need to remember that I don’t need to jump into this with both feet. And I’m sure a good therapist wouldn’t expect it either. I find the attachment part really hard to come to terms with. But like you say it is part of the work, the hard part for me. 🙂

  5. katie says:

    Can you have a healing relationship while at arm’s length….I think the answer can actually be yes. I think it’s possible to lay the groundwork for a real relationship while keeping whatever distance feels safe to you. If the relationship is genuine (and the shrink a good one), it will progress in time, and the distance will close, often slowly. Sometimes painfully – and scary! – but if s/he’s a solid therapist, then pain and extended fear does not necessarily need to play a role. If, when you start to see her, (if you start to see her), you find that you continue to feel such anxiety and fear, maybe that’s a sign that she isn’t the right therapist, or this isn’t the right time.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m really hoping I can find some sort of balance with this. I do need to realize it is a process, that it won’t happen all at once. For me it probably shouldn’t happen all at once. I also realize I need to be able to work this out. I didn’t know attachment was such a problem for me until what happened with my last therapist.

      • I just wanted to say that I double Katie’s viewpoint. I think a balance does exist. Don’t be too hard on yourself for being overly cautious. Honestly, laying such issues out helps so that you can talk through them together rather than fight it alone. Sounds easier that it is, but if you go in presenting these concerns, then it helps your T help you get the treatment you need even more – I think anyways. For me, it’s realizing that therapy isn’t the be all and end all that helps to keep me going. It’s only part of the healing process and as much as we want to attach to that one safe person and to weather the storm, surviving the storms takes a more complex system of supports. Maybe this is all bull. Who knows!

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