I’ve been thinking or more honestly trying not to think what it will be like to re-enter therapy. (if it happens that is) It makes me nervous, real nervous to let my thoughts wander that way. I’ve been wondering what I would talk about. I know I have plenty to talk about but when I start ‘thinking’ about what I would say I draw a blank. I wonder if I can trust enough once again to talk about anything that is deeper than ‘that’s some kind of weather eh?’.
When I think about therapy I look inside to see how it feels and frankly I don’t feel anything more than this nervousness. It feels blank or maybe a better word is ‘shut down’. Funny, that’s a word I learned through therapy.
I was extremely anxious when I started therapy because I didn’t know what to expect. And that was anxiety on top of the extreme anxiety my mentalness was already causing me. I was practically puking before every session. I was very naive about it all. It took a while to learn the ‘therapy language’. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a ‘inner child’. Although I’m still a bit dubious about that…
The only thing I related the word ‘trauma’ to was car accidents. I never knew that’s what they call what happened to me. Although I still have a hard time believing that as well. If I start therapy again I wonder if I can talk about the trauma once again, if I need to start from the beginning once again. Is it even necessary to start at the beginning again?
I didn’t have a clue about attachment.
Just the thought of attachment makes me anxious. I find myself thinking of ways I can avoid it. I’ve read that the therapeutic relationship can be helpful in the healing process. I also know it can have awful consequences. I find myself wondering if I can have a healing relationship while holding the therapist at arm’s length. I find myself wondering if it’s possible avoid attachment in the therapy setting considering I don’t really know how to handle relationships anyhow because of my interesting childhood.
I have many questions and no answers. The only sure thing I know is the anxiousness I feel at the thought of therapy and all that goes with it. Especially attachment.