First Day Conversation

I really enjoyed having two days off in a row.  It’s a very rare occurrence and it’s been probably over a year since I’ve had two days off together.  Not counting my disastrous holiday that is.

A couple of interesting and disturbing things happened on my days off.  On my first day off I asked my brother who is in town for a few days, to help me out with some work around the house.  Every once in a while I need some strong muscle to help move things.  As we were working for some unknown reason we started talking about our childhood.  Now this is a subject I tend to avoid at all costs.  My brother on the other hand will talk freely about it.

I’m not sure how we got on the subject of our childhood but at one point I told him that last year I went to see one of the houses we lived in.  I also told him I couldn’t remember anything of the time we lived there.  He remembers much more than me.  He said he spent most of his time being drunk.  We figured he must have been around nine years old then.  I told him I had no recollection of this.  He asked me if I remembered a few other things he mentioned and I had to say no.  I find this troubling.  But then he said something I found even more troubling.

He said that he had no good memories of his childhood.  I paused for a moment and admitted I don’t really have any either.

“In fact”, he said, “it was brutal”, “our childhood was brutal”.   I stopped.  I stopped what I was doing and I stopped on the inside.

Growing up I never really gave much thought to what was happening to me and around me.  When I was going to therapy I would always say what I went through really wasn’t that bad and even now I have a hard time realizing that my childhood was as bad as everyone thinks it was.   I know I’m in some sort of denial about it but I don’t really know why.  Maybe part of it is I don’t have much memory of it all, there are a lot of blanks.  And I have a feeling that admitting to it will open a big can of worms for me so to speak.

Anyway when my brother said those words, something happened inside of me but I’m not sure what yet.  Time will tell. He used strong words to describe our childhood, words I’ve never thought of using.

We had more conversation that day.  He told me some of the things he saw.  Very bad things yet when I’m honest I also saw similar things.  I think it was awful he had to see those things yet I can’t seem to attach any feelings towards myself about the things I saw.

Interesting conversation. Conversation I’ve rarely had with a sibling.

This entry was posted in Anxiety, Family, Fear, Hurt, Terror, trauma, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to First Day Conversation

  1. Just me says:

    I think it is really good u could have a conversation like that with your brother. I know the feeling though when people hear about my childhood they say it is horrific and they don’t know how we survived I always tell myself it wasn’t that bad…..but according to other people it was and worse. It is a hard thing to accept I still have not figured out why. But my siblings are my lifeline and my support when we get together we always end up talking about our childhood..they are the only people who can really understand and relate and in a way it is healing.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I used to argue with my former t about the severity of what I went through. I have a hard time even thinking it was abuse let alone how bad it may have been. Hearing it from a sibling makes me think twice about my feelings toward it. It’s unusual for me to talk to my brother about this sort of stuff.

  2. Ellen says:

    It does sound disturbing, but also it must be good to have your feelings about your childhood validated by your brother? I don’t have anyone to validate what happened to me, so I often feel crazy and as if I’m lying maybe.

    I’d say you might be in denial about the awfulness of it because you can’t yet bear the associated feelings. Denial can be a good thing for a while.

    Happy New Year Maze!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m not actually sure how I feel about it at this time. It’s somewhat of an interesting situation in our family. Most of us siblings were witness to a lot of each others abuse that we suffered unfortunately. That’s another story in itself. We will hint at things but never really come out and talk about it. I think having this chat with my brother makes the elephant in the room just a little smaller.

  3. I think it’s impressive you had the conversation at all. Does it make you feel more connected to him and less alone, now that someone has affirmed what your childhood was really like? Does it provide some sense of relief?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I find this kind of conversation very hard especially within the family. I’m a very private person with this stuff particularly within my family. I don’t know why. So I know know if I feel relief or a sense of ‘what was I thinking?’. It feels all very complicated to me.

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