I don’t usually don’t do warnings about triggers because I don’t really know what triggers people.  I try not to talk or write  in detail mainly because I don’t like to.  But there might be some stuff in here that may trigger.  Not sure but warning is given…

I’ve had a rough few weeks.  I ended up getting really sick and missing seven days of work.  That’s the most I’ve ever missed in my working life.  It started out as a flu and then moved into my chest. I thought I was going to choke up a lung or two.  I finally went to a doc and he promptly put me on antibiotics saying I had crackly sounding lungs.

Going to a doc for that or anything else that doesn’t involve touching me doesn’t bother me too much.  But there is something I need to see a doc about.  I have a small lump on the bottom of my foot and lately it has really been hurting when I walk.  I walk a lot.  It hurts a lot.

The trouble is, the thought of getting it removed is bringing up a nasty memory or two or three.  And it’s these memories that are making it difficult to deal with it medically.  I think I’ve mentioned before how I learned to keep quiet about stuff that was wrong with me physically.  I learned this very quickly.  My father on occasion would play doctor.  The first time I remember this happening was when I had a lump on the bottom of my foot and happened to complain about it.

He sat me down in a chair in front of him, took out his knife and proceeded to sharpen it.  Well that’s enough detail.  Needless to say I sat there frozen and didn’t make a sound but there sure was a lot of pain afterward.

I guess that will teach me to complain.

So now I’m reluctant to ask the doc about this. The memory is strong and persistent.  I will be seeing her on Monday on an unrelated matter.  I’m trying to work up the courage to ask her to help with this.

This entry was posted in Abuse, Anxiety, Dissociation, Father, Fear, Hurt, Relationships, Terror, trauma, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Sick

  1. JBR says:

    Safe hugs to you dear one. I appreciate what you shared here, as difficult as it was. Hoping that you can be gentle with yourself during these triggering time. Praying that you will be able to share with her on Monday what you need to. Hear listening……

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thanks JBR. I do find it difficult to share this type of stuff even here. But I feel in some ways it may be good. I think it will help force me to face the realities of what was my life.

  2. attached says:

    I’m so sorry for what your father did. Does your doctor know anything about your history? Could you write it down instead of saying the words?

    • lostinamaze says:

      She knows I was in an abusive situation but I’ve never told her any details. I dislike talking about details but maybe I will be able to find a way to talk to her without them. Writing might be good but I also find that hard. In fact when I think about it when I journal I stay away from details even then. I’m the great avoid-er.

  3. attached says:

    sorry for the double comments I’m having wordpress problems. I wish there was something I could do to help. I will also pray that you are able to say something and get some relief from the pain. I’m listening too.


  4. What a horribly triggering situation for you. I’ve been trying to think of something you could say to your doctor to give her a heads up that you’re uncomfortable without having to share your entire story. If it was a pap smear, saying something about being uncomfortable because of some situations in your past would be enough for people to get the idea. I’m not sure about what to say about the foot though, as I don’t know if that comment would be enough.

    Is it something that can be removed in the doctors office or would it require surgery?

    • lostinamaze says:

      That type of comment may be enough. She is aware of my past just not any details about it. Funny thing I never told my t hardly any details either. Sometimes I wanted to but I just couldn’t get the words out of my mouth no matter how hard I tried.

      It’s just a small lump on the bottom of my foot that feels like a rock when I walk. It’s probably just a wart or something simple like that. I sure the removal won’t be complicated – it’s just complicated in my head.

  5. Amanda says:

    I am so sorry you were treated that way by your father. I can see how much of a triggering event this would be. I agree with the above comments, please find a way to tell your doctor about what happened before, and that you are in need of help now.

    I needed to go to a procedure done and knew it would trigger other feelings. I explained to my doctor that I had some “things” happen in the past and that I’d appreciate another person in the room. I explained that it would probably be tough for me and I apologized in advance. He understood, especially when it took much longer than normal because I was crying through the whole thing.

    Doctors have experienced all types of situations, it is likely that yours is not the only situation that she has heard before.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think that I might be able to get into ‘it’s somebody else’s story’ mode. I know I did that with my former t. It’s probably not always the best but it would work with the doc. Trouble is I say that now but once I’m in the doc office it may all change as the fear starts to rise.

      The thing that I need to remember is that my doc is very sympathetic and understanding.

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