Paranoid

A few days after the incident where the clinical supervisor left me a message leaving her name and agency name I received a letter in the mail.  My sister picked up the mail which is out of the ordinary.  I usually do it.  A few days after she picked it up I sorted through it and find a letter addressed to me from the agency.  I know this by the return address.

As I stared at it in horror it I realized why.  A few weeks before the group I participated in  a few months ago ended, the facilitators asked us to write an encouraging letter to ourselves.  We gave the letters to the facilitators to mail to us sometime after group ended. I didn’t want to do it. For two reasons.  I hate writing that kind of thing to myself.  Especially when I feel less than encouraged by circumstances.  Secondly I didn’t want anything mailed to me with the agency’s return address on it.  But I finally relented and wrote a short paragraph on the condition they would send it to me without the return address.

Apparently they forgot.

Then today the phoned rang.  Thankfully I had the day off, my sister was out and my mother was taking a nap.  I was busy and had to let it go to voice mail. I few minutes later I checked the call display and to my once again horror it was my pdoc.  And of all things his secretary left a voice mail wanting to change my upcoming appointment. The office never phones me and I’ve asked them not to phone with appointment reminders or anything else for that matter.  I promptly deleted the message and the number off the phone. I can hardly think about it if I hadn’t been home to catch the call before my family heard it.

Paranoia set in. I panicked somewhat. Or maybe a lot.

I started cleaning. Cleaning and throwing out almost everything I collected over the last few years of therapy.  What if this stuff was found by accident?  What if I died and all this was discovered?  Mostly an unreasonable reaction I’m sure. I threw away all the articles my former t had given me, all the articles that were handed out in the few groups I’ve been in.  I threw away my care plans, reviews, etc. I shredded the letters my pdoc wrote to my GP that he always gives me. And I shredded the letter he gave me stating my various diagnosis.

I took the time and with each thing I tossed I asked myself if I would regret it later.  The answer was mostly no. I’m sure most of the articles are found on-line anyway. I only kept a few things that have some meaning to me. These I put in a nondescript box.

It’s hard being in the closet about therapy and my past.  It takes energy and some creative lying to try to keep it all under wraps. I don’t like it but I’m just not ready or able to change this.  I have no courage. I’m not a stigma buster.

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This entry was posted in Anxiety, Control, Family, Fear, Hurt, Mother, Panic, Psychiatrist, Relationships, Terror, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Paranoid

  1. This is not a good agency!

  2. Ellen says:

    This agency does suck. I remember with agencies, being asked if it’s OK for them to leave a message, and they did respect my wishes on that. I’d be paranoid too, if I was living with family.

  3. I’ve done this too.. gone on a massive shredding spree “just incase I were to die and they were to read it all”. It’s one of the main reasons that I can’t keep hardcopy journals either.

    The panic/paranoia is awful… I hope you’ve been able to calm a little. And can you remind the agency that you don’t want to be contacted at home? Maybe ask them to delete your number just so the same mistake isn’t repeated.

    • lostinamaze says:

      I’m glad I’m not the only one to do this. I feel better now that all this stuff isn’t around anymore. After the last conversation with this agency I don’t think they will be contacting me anymore. I have a feeling they are done with me. When I asked my former t to delete my number she said she would see to it. But apparently it was still in some file somewhere.

  4. Ugh, how terrible! You’re not any MORE paranoid than the rest of us though, so take heart. Do you have a cell? That is how I control the calling, at least. I only give them my cell.

    • lostinamaze says:

      My t only called me on my cell or emailed me when she needed to contact me. And the few times the agency contacted me about group sessions they used my cell number. I don’t know why they used my land line this time. I wouldn’t have minded except she used identifiers in her conversation. Not good practice for sure.

  5. JBR says:

    Where is the confidentiality in this? Poor agency. My t. calls me on my cell. Safe hugs and blessings.

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