Noncommittal

I spent the afternoon trying to remember what I wanted to work on in therapy.  Even trying to remember the reason I do/have done therapy seemed to have vacated my brain.  I think I was well into what I call my alternate universe.  All through the day my anxiety levels were steadily rising.  I thought I was doing a good job on keeping a handle on the anxiety.  Apparently not.

When I finally pried what I wanted to work on out of the depths of my brain I quickly wrote them down before they disappeared once again.

It’s about an hour and a half trip to the city where the potential therapist is and on the way I tried not to think about the appointment but by the time I reached the city I felt like puking.  Oh the joys of anxiety!

I found the building that she works in with no problem.  I had been there before to see a naturopathic doctor.  I did have to ask someone where her office was because inside the building is like a maze with many rooms.

The potential therapist heard my voice and came out to meet me.  She led me to a room that she said wasn’t her own.  Something else was going on in her room for the week.  I wouldn’t have known the difference anyway.

I sat on a couch while she sat on a chair across from me.  And than the session started.

We chit chatted for a few minutes and then talked about the business end of things.  After that was all done she asked me what were some of the things I wanted to work on.  I told I wrote some things out and when I went to find my list it was nowhere to be found.  I checked all my pockets which is no easy feat when ones arm is in a big bulky cast.  Still no list.  Internally I was beginning to panic about where I could I have left it.  Did I leave it where someone could find it?  At work? At home? I tried to put it out of my mind but it hovered in the back of it all through the session.

Anyways I could remember most of it which was surprising.  I actually surprised myself in many ways during the session.  I was able to talk about more than I thought I would.  Paying hard-earned money might be a motivator for me!  Either that my anxiety got the best of me and I became somewhat of a blabber mouth.

She is a few years older than me and soft-spoken yet I could sense she also had a back bone.  I kind of like the idea of her being older.  She seemed to understand what I was talking about even with the things I was having a hard time describing. She even understood the dissociation when I was trying to tell her about that.  It is something I barely understand at times.

She has advanced training in EMDR and is going to give me some info on it.  She wants to use it in regards to my all-encompassing fear that happens to me when I’m in the presence of conflict no matter how mild the conflict is.

At the end of the hour and half session she told me she thought I was committed to doing the work of therapy and such.  I replied yes I was because the only other alternative I could see was…

She said she had a few ideas on how we could proceed with what I had given her.  She would present some stuff to me in our next session.

And so I booked into a time slot that works well for me.  Six thirty Thursday evenings.

Right now I’m very non-committal about the therapy even though I think the session went well and I think I like her.  Which suits me fine for now.  She still has to prove herself and I’m not ready to give her any trust yet.  Time will tell with all that.  I need to remember that I do have a choice to change therapists if this one doesn’t fit. I’m not stuck with her.

Time was up and I left her office and got in my car and found my list lying on the seat.  Phew!

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This entry was posted in Anxiety, Conversation, Dissociation, Fear, Panic, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Noncommittal

  1. Totally understand the needing to write therapy topics down, although most of the time I can’t even remember/don’t think to do it myself.. or if I do, I seem to struggle rereading them at a later time (i.e. in therapy) because they appear alien and completely unrelated to me.

    I hope things continue to go well with this new therapist!

    • lostinamaze says:

      Thank you. I guess I felt I needed to write some things down because I knew the question of goals would come up. It’s my experience that if I couldn’t answer the question the therapist would than ask me what was the point of therapy for me. I don’t know if that would have happened this time but I didn’t want to chance it. I hope things go well too.

  2. Ellen says:

    Sounds like a really good first session maze, and being able to talk more freely than you thought you would is a good sign I think.

    I write down topics also and even remember to bring the list, but then forget about it in my session. What a relief, to find it on your seat!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think one of the reasons I was able to talk more freely was that I already know her through the group therapy. It is a good sign. She seems gentle but I will see how she responds if things get rough. Yeah it was a huge relief!

  3. Just Be Real says:

    Proud of you Maze that you were able to recall some points to bring up in t. without your list. Sounds very promising and I can only wish the best for you dear one.

  4. Way to go 🙂 It sounds like a productive first session. What do you think about EMDR? I sometimes write things down too, btw, but I find it hard to whip out the list in session!

    • lostinamaze says:

      We highlighted a lot of things in the first session for sure. I’ve done limited EMDR before. I’ve done a bit of research on it because I didn’t want to do something that might mess my brain up even more. Having said this I’m still not really sure what to think of it. I always tend to be skeptical about this stuff. The proof of it will be if it works.

  5. Amanda says:

    I’m glad that things went well for you there – that things seemed to run smoothly. Good for you, for taking that step and for choosing to continue on. I hope you both continue to be a good fit for one another.

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