No Time to Breathe

The last few weeks have been a whirl wind of activity.  A few things that have happened in the last few weeks are I had to go for a MRI after a six month wait.  This week I went for a bone scan which was an unexpected test for my wrist.  In between all of this my mom was in the hospital.  I’ve barely had time to breathe let alone blog or read blogs.  It makes for a very cranky me.

And yes I’ve had therapy in there somewhere also.

Her room is large, very large. Larger than any room I’ve had therapy in.  It’s not very homey.  I can tell it’s used for other functions. But somehow I’m ok with this.  It helps me feel the experience of therapy in a detached way.  It’s hard to explain but I don’t feel fully involved in an emotional way with therapy.  I know this was only my second session but it has a different feel to it that I haven’t experienced before.  This may change over time but  my last experience of therapy has changed something in me.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad but for now I really don’t mind it or maybe I just don’t care.

She started the conversation with the topic we left off on last week.  Suicide.  Last week she had asked me if I knew any people who had done suicide.  I replied ‘many’.  And then time was up.

I had forgotten that we left off on this but she hadn’t.  She was surprised at the number of people I knew personally who had done this.  I explained to her that I live in an area with a high suicide rate and being a small town I know many people.  We talked how that impacts me.  In the midst of this conversation she asked me a question that I haven’t been asked before. ‘Do you think your experience would make it easier to do it yourself?’.  “To tell the truth I haven’t given this much thought, conscious thought anyway,” I said.  It has made me think about this since though.

She talked about having supports through relationships and such and through this I was able to move away from the subject. I really don’t like to talk about this with therapists. We talked about relationships and what could be the things that stand in my way from developing them.  I told her it started way back when I was wee.  I spent most of my childhood trying to hide from people because they meant trouble.  She says I can change.  I’m not sure how.  I know some change is possible. I have been able to change some things on my own with a great deal of effort.  But I’m not sure how much or what more could be changed.  It was a good session but some of the things I said has made me sad.

Please keep your fingers crossed that I get good news about my wrist on Friday!

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This entry was posted in Abuse, Anxiety, Control, Conversation, Relationships, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to No Time to Breathe

  1. Just Be Real says:

    Glad you surfaced! Missed you. Wow, you certainly have had your plate full! I am glad it was a good session for you. The feeling sad is all part of the healing. Something hit a “sad” nerve. I pray that you not only continue to heal emotionally but physically. Blessings and safe hugs.

  2. I’m impressed you were able to discuss such heavy topics so early. Much luck to you with your wrist! I continue to look forward to your updates 🙂

    • lostinamaze says:

      It helps that I already know her through the last group therapy sessions I went to. I’m still trying to feel my way around her and one of the ways I tend to do it is by throwing out certain subjects right away to see how they react. Probably not the best way to do things.

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