Who am I?

I left her office feeling beat up and lost.  Questions swirling through my head. Who I’m I anyway?  What happened to me as a child?  These questions have been with me quietly in the background in the last few years. But now the questions are growing louder and all I want to do is put my hands over my ears and go la la la la la, I can’t hear you.

Once again I’m told my experience was extreme.  Once again I deny it.  I don’t want to hear it. How can that be? I don’t feel it. Are you sure?

We talked about many things last session but this is what sticks in my head.  I tell her I lived an average life, a life everybody lives.  Doesn’t everyone live the way I did?  She says ‘no’.  “Are you sure” I ask.  She answers and I sit in silence.

Why do I resist my reality so strongly? She has asked me to think about the resistance and what the particular resistant thoughts are. That’s a good question.  One that will take time to answer.  One that I probably already know the answers to.

How do I come to terms with what I have denied for so long?  I know that I need to accept what happened to me.  Accept what really happened to me and maybe even the severity of it.  I need to acknowledge this so I can move on in my healing.  How can I heal from what I keep denying?

If I fully acknowledge what happened I will have to face all the feelings that come with it.  I will need to see people as they are and not how I wanted them to be as a child.  Fantasy is hard to let go of.

She said my mind needed to do what it needed in order for me to survive.  And as I let myself discover the answers to my questions I will need to let those answers seep slowly into my being.  Because that will mean survival to me as well.

This entry was posted in Abuse, Change, Control, Conversation, Family, Father, Fear, Hurt, Mother, Relationships, Running, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Who am I?

  1. She sounds so wise Lost… She’s right… about the seeping thing… These thing can’t be forced, although I sense your impatience, your ‘lostness’ in this horrible mass of confusion and searching and pain.

    With you, my friend.


    • lostinamaze says:

      Thanks WS, not sure why I’m having a hard time figuring this out. Yes there is a lot of impatience and more than enough impatience/frustration with myself. Feeling it though is probably a good thing.

  2. Just Be Real says:

    Dear one I hear your pain. Many of my sessions I too have felt beat up. Sometimes not being able to recall what the heck we talked about.

    For me, facing my monsters boils down to fear. My t. told me once I face them, it will be much better. The worst of the monsters is when everything initially happened to us. But We Survived! Having to relive it to get better, yes is difficult and extremely frightening. That is what is the most for me the fear. But, I have faced some of my monsters already, scared, frighten, and shaken. But, much better. We are all different. When you are ready…..then you will be ready! Safe hugs.

  3. Ellen says:

    I have that denial and resistance also maze. It’s a great thing to focus on at the start of therapy I think, even though it’s painful. Acceptance is a really slow process also, and like JBR says, there can also be so much fear. Sounds like you’re on your way here, good for you!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I didn’t realized just how strong the denial is within me until lately. But the fear is strong as well. I’ve since realized the fact that I’m questioning is probably a good sign that I’m starting to work through this. I hope so anyway.

  4. therapyaddict says:

    Denial is a strong thing – something that takes hold of us and alters reality in such huge ways. Your therapist sounds extremely wise and I’m glad she is there for you to work through this with. Just take it one moment at a time, discovering these feelings will take some time.

    How are you doing now that you’ve had some time to sit with it all?

    • lostinamaze says:

      I really didn’t realize how much I altered reality. It was listening to how my siblings described some things that started clueing me in. I’m feeling lost in some ways. That I need to re-find my bearings.

  5. willspirit says:

    Sounds very healthy and also terrifying. To face the past and the feelings the memories evoke can feel overwhelming. Just to settle into the psyche and recognize its ancient pain can require tremendous courage and patience. There is so much temptation to run away, to plunge into activities, distractions, or addictions. Our culture encourages escapism, not exploration, in the face of suffering. But we all need to feel our wounds in order to find what needs healing. We need to know the damage in order to either repair it, honor it, or both. I know well that hesitation in facing the past and its sorrows, but I also know the excitement that arises with those tentative steps toward the darkness. Thank you for describing your journey.

    • lostinamaze says:

      Hi Will, nice to see you! I can only think that my questioning is healthy, another path deeper into my journey even though as you mention terrifying at the same time. I need to remember to be patient with myself and to go with it. Working with my defenses will be tough though. What’s harder/easier in the end? Escapism or walking through the pain to the other side?

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