I left her office feeling beat up and lost. Questions swirling through my head. Who I’m I anyway? What happened to me as a child? These questions have been with me quietly in the background in the last few years. But now the questions are growing louder and all I want to do is put my hands over my ears and go la la la la la, I can’t hear you.
Once again I’m told my experience was extreme. Once again I deny it. I don’t want to hear it. How can that be? I don’t feel it. Are you sure?
We talked about many things last session but this is what sticks in my head. I tell her I lived an average life, a life everybody lives. Doesn’t everyone live the way I did? She says ‘no’. “Are you sure” I ask. She answers and I sit in silence.
Why do I resist my reality so strongly? She has asked me to think about the resistance and what the particular resistant thoughts are. That’s a good question. One that will take time to answer. One that I probably already know the answers to.
How do I come to terms with what I have denied for so long? I know that I need to accept what happened to me. Accept what really happened to me and maybe even the severity of it. I need to acknowledge this so I can move on in my healing. How can I heal from what I keep denying?
If I fully acknowledge what happened I will have to face all the feelings that come with it. I will need to see people as they are and not how I wanted them to be as a child. Fantasy is hard to let go of.
She said my mind needed to do what it needed in order for me to survive. And as I let myself discover the answers to my questions I will need to let those answers seep slowly into my being. Because that will mean survival to me as well.