Although I was able to work through the issues that I wrote about in the last post through sheer determination there is still so much more. And the saddest thing is that I never knew where these problems came from. They have always been there and always catching me off guard. I haven’t been able to handle let alone overcome them.
I haven’t been able to overcome being in the presence of anger no matter how mild it is. It turns me into a quivering mess. I will either freeze or it sends me into the furthest reaches of whatever building I’m in with my hands over my ears trying to shut it all out. The expression of anger sends my mind into non thinking mode or into extreme fear mode. Not always convenient.
I can’t get rid of the almost nightly nightmares. I have them so often I’ve gotten used to them which I guess is a good thing. But I’d rather not have them at all. The less frequent but more disturbing nightmares I have are what I call my waking nightmares. I act these out in my sleep. These nightmares are hard on windows and such as I act out my ‘disparately trying to escape’. This is one reason I don’t like to sleep overnight somewhere.
Speaking of sleeping, there is no way I can sleep with other people in the room. I have tried it on occasion. I tried sharing a hotel room with others to save on costs but I stay awake all night long, nerves on edge waiting and watching. For what who knows.
The docs say I have PTSD. If this is true then I’ve had it most of my life.
Then there is the problem I have with relationships. And then and then and then…
I won’t bore you with all the details of what I’m stuck in.
Even though to my dismay there are many things I can’t seem to get past I’m glad I’ve been able to overcome my inability to ask for some help in this. It makes me feel ‘needy’ and ‘less then’ in many ways but I realize I can’t do this on my own any more. My body let me know that in no uncertain terms.
In trying to be realistic I’m also beginning to understand there might not be any overcoming of some of these things. Of the issues (to be clear I don’t know what those would be) that I may have to live with I hope I will learn to manage them in a healthy way if that’s possible. Or to be able to manage them until I can be healed from them. And I can’t do this on my own.