I live in my head, unconnected to my body. I am starting to see how true this is. In last night’s session as well as many sessions before she asks me how I’m feeling. She asks me what are the feelings I feel associated with certain things that have happened or are happening in the present. To my frustration I can never really answer her. I say I feel low. But that answer is not good enough for my therapist. She will ask me what is the feeling(s) that are making me feel low. I tell her that I don’t really know.
She asks me if I would like to try drawing the feelings that I don’t have words for. I say sure while thinking how can I draw the unknown. I should know better because many things come out of the art that I do. (keep in mind I can’t actually draw )
One interesting thing that came to light for me through this exercise was the concept of grief. I haven’t ever given this much thought when it comes to myself. I haven’t ever considered the possibility in any serious way that I may have some (maybe a lot of) grief residing in me.
But now I wonder.
As a five-year old I remember sitting in a dark room at night looking at the houses across the street wishing I lived in another family, trying to figure out the best way to kill myself. I don’t remember the reason for wanting this at that young age. But those feelings I felt then have never left me.
I wonder if I was grieving a loss of a childhood I hadn’t even lived yet, one that I really wouldn’t live. Maybe my body knew something my young mind didn’t.