I live in my head, unconnected to my body.  I am starting to see how true this is.  In last night’s session as well as many sessions before she asks me how I’m feeling.  She asks me what are the feelings I feel associated with certain things that have happened or are happening in the present.  To my frustration I can never really answer her.  I say I feel low.  But that answer is not good enough for my therapist.  She will ask me what is the feeling(s) that are making me feel low.  I tell her that I don’t really know.

She asks me if I would like to try drawing the feelings that I don’t have words for.  I say sure while thinking how can I draw the unknown.  I should know better because many things come out of the art that I do.  (keep in mind I can’t actually draw 🙂 )

One interesting thing that came to light for me through this exercise was the concept of grief.  I haven’t ever given this much thought when it comes to myself.  I haven’t ever considered the possibility in any serious way that I may have some (maybe a lot of) grief residing in me.

But now I wonder.

As a five-year old I remember sitting in a dark room at night looking at the houses across the street wishing I lived in another family, trying to figure out the best way to kill myself.  I don’t remember the reason for wanting this at that young age.  But those feelings I felt then have never left me.

I wonder if I was grieving a loss of a childhood I hadn’t even lived yet, one that I really wouldn’t live.  Maybe my body knew something my young mind didn’t.

This entry was posted in Abandonment, Abuse, Anxiety, Conversation, Dissociation, Family, Fear, Grief, Relationships, Running, Therapist, Therapy, trauma, Trust, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Words

  1. JBR says:

    Dear one hugs sent your way as you relive these memories. Yes, I said the same thing to my t. We can grieve what we lost and for some of us it may be hard to move on past that. I still struggle with that. Especially when it comes to not ever having a husband or even a real intimate serious relationship. It still stings what the enemy has stolen from me because of my past and the fears it brought on. But, then again, as I heal many things are being replaced and restored. Hope for one thing!

    • lostinamaze says:

      I think you are right that it may be hard to move past some things. Even though we have lost much there is still hope as you say. I just need to hang on to that.

  2. Hey there lovely. It sounds like you are really working hard at this even though it is tough going – I think things will become clearer as they go on. It certainly sounds like your five year old didn’t have much to live for, and plenty to grieve for. I hope that you can begin to get to grips with some of these feelings and move through them – a really tough process but I totally believe in you.

    much love,


    • lostinamaze says:

      it is a tough process samesky, tougher then I thought it would be. Probably because I never let myself deal with the emotional parts. Moving through them is the key. I have always moved around them and at a distance. I need to let that five year old have a voice even if it’s emotional… thanks for believing. xx

  3. Amanda says:

    A couple of weeks ago, I realized that I lost my childhood. I had known this to be true for a very long time, but I never connected with it. It sounds like you’re connecting … and I am glad you’re able to, even though I understand it’s painful. Keep going through this process, you are doing really well.

    Take good care of yourself …

    • lostinamaze says:

      To be honest it’s something I don’t really want to connect with but I know I need to go there in order to process it out. I seem to be connecting regardless and I know it will be for the better in the end. It’s a tough realization.

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