warning: this will be about suicide
I have picked up my computer a hundred times only to put it back down a hundred times. So much is swirling through my head but I can’t seem to find the words or energy to express any of it. The last few weeks have been tough for me. I am struggling. I am in a state of melancholy that I find quite annoying. It’s like a low-grade depression that kicks my butt.
A few things have happened in the last few weeks that triggered this episode.
Another acquaintance of mine killed himself. He was a very nice person. It’s so sad and it’s made me sad in ways I can’t seem to explain. Our area has a very high suicide rate for some reason. I have lived in this area for many years and can count on my fingers and toes the number of people I have known who have died in this way. And for some odd reason it triggers the suicide feelings I’ve had all my life. I have been talking about this with my therapist and thankfully she doesn’t freak out.
Another of my friends was admitted to the psych ward last week as well. He suffers with depression and suicidal thoughts. This is the first time he has sought help. It wasn’t easy for him to seek the help but I’m glad he did. His wife told me that the last couple of suicides in our area really affected him as well.
I think this stuff combined with what I’m working on in therapy combined with being physically tired from working too much has overwhelmed me.
There are words deep, deep down and when I break they will come pouring out.