I haven’t given this word much thought. I’ve read many blog posts on this concept but never related any of it to myself. That is until a few sessions back. We didn’t talk about this in-depth it just came up casually with the therapist. The conversation was actually focused on denial.
It seems I keep beating around the same bush when it comes to denial. I can’t seem to help denying what happened to me, denying the badness of it. And when I vaguely talk about something that happened it’s like I’m not connected to the story at all. I can’t seem to connect to feelings that maybe I should have about what I experienced.
We talked about this for a while. I think it is a hindrance to healing in some ways. I need to own what happened. I know nothing can be changed but I need to be able to say ‘yes this was MY experience’.
I told her it felt like it wasn’t my experience but someone else. I told her when I start to talk to her about ‘stuff’ a major conflict begins in me. I have realized there are parts of me stirring within causing all kinds of trouble for me.
I also came to realize during that session that my trauma is being held elsewhere and not here. And that’s when she brought up the word integration. Funny but before this session I could say the word integration with no problem but during the session I couldn’t spit the word out no matter how hard I tried. It was extremely anxiety provoking to say the least.
I find this confusing (and I’m sure this all reads confusing) and I’m not sure how I should go ahead with such knowledge. My therapist says this is a protective thing for me and we need to deal with it slowly. Truthfully I don’t know if I can deal with it at all. I do feel extreme fear with the thought of it. Oh well, if nothing else I am stubborn and persistent.
Good way to be on this scary journey!